April 4th, 2014

Please be Advised

No, you can't just use your rapier wit and killer attitude.

Hey, you--yeah, you with the skin-tight leather and angry squint. Word is you want to be a super villain.

What do you mean, 'whose word?' It's just, Word, all right? It is known and all that crap. Word on the street. Whatever. Can we continue, please?

Thank you.

Anyway, as I was saying, you obviously want to be a super villain. Yes, I can tell. It's the black outfit and the squint. No, you couldn't be a SHIELD agent. They use zippers.

All right, fine. Let's say that you're a SHIELD agent, but a bad one. I don't know--maybe you went rogue or something. I'm sure it happens all the time. Maybe Loki did his heartwash thing and now your eyes are all freaky and you turned on your friends.

NO, IT CAN'T BE...Okay, sure. It can be for love. Love is great. But you need weapons. Can we please get to the weapons already?

Nope, no guns. See? This is why I said you couldn't be a SHIELD agent; they pretty much only use guns. Well, Hawkeye doesn't but it's still a projectile weapon.

The zippers weren't the only reason, okay? Just the main one. You have buckles. It's a thing.

Hawkeye has zippers too. Seriously, go look it up.

Great. Are we ready now? Or do you need another twenty pages of backstory? Fantastic.

So, weapons. But not guns. Because you're a super villain. They have powers, or badass martial-arts skills, or magic, or their terrifying intellect. Or maybe swords or knives. No guns.

Maybe you should choose something else. I'm sorry, your intellect isn't that terrifying. Or worrying. 'Irritating' doesn't count.

You can't be Natasha. Because she already exists, that's why. And she's not evil.

I'm pretty sure that 'Mirror Universe' thing only works in Star Trek.

No, you can't be Khan either.

Yes! Yes, you can use a crossbow. A crossbow is great. Good idea. But Hawkeye's taken, and he's a good guy. Yes he is, that was Loki's fault. No, he didn't go rogue for love.

He doesn't use crossbows anyway. I have no idea why. He doesn't use guns either.

I never said that only super villains don't use guns. I just said super villains don't use guns. Hawkeye can not-use guns if he wants to.

A crossbow would be way cooler than Hawkeye's bow, absolutely. No, I'm not just saying that so you don't change your mind.

Sure, you can call yourself 'Eagle eye', what the hell. I agree that Hawkeye needs his very own arch enemy. That's quite kind of you.

No, you can't marry Natasha. Because she's a hero. And you can't--

You know what? Sure. You went rogue because of your love for Natasha. I'm certain it happens all the time.

Are we done with the weapon, now? You have your weapon? No backsies, right? You're a crossbow-wielding badass super villain. Now you just need a secret lair.

Not the Stark Building.